The Last Ember of Day

Some people prefer to be around others during times of loss. 

In those moments when I feel powerless, I escape to nature. My refuge. My way to balance the mind. One of the things about growing older is knowing that eventually all things come to an end. There are moments when the innocence of youth is replaced with the realities of life and loss. 

Life is complicated.  I live between 2 completely different worlds. My home and my other home. 

My heart is with the "other" home inside Mexico. And my home here in the US is just a shell, a place to use for work. 

I am finding nature there as well. It's harder inside of Nogales, a place full of garbage and abandoned animals.  It isn't the prettiest of places in Mexico but it does have character and dare I say it....charm. It's exactly what you'd expect from a border town. And yet, it's my new home.

The hardest part is managing the old life.  I do bird from time to time but teaching takes much of my energy.  And money these days only stretches so far. 

Ever since the tragic loss of their mother, we've been taking care of these kittens in Mexico.  They have become our babies. I have found that I can love my kitties here in the US and now, our fur babies down in Mexico.  There's always room for more love.  However, there's only enough physical room for 3 of them. 

The precious few days I have off, I try to reconnect with friends and get out in nature.  The weather is starting to cool down and has been quite enjoyable. Last month I led a couple groups out into the grasslands to find some great birds. 

Local birding still brings a lot of pleasure but I find myself looking at many many other things.  The birds are always a focus but I like bugs, mammals and everything else. My connection to nature is deeper these days. 

I find it difficult sometimes to be around other birders who have their focus just on birds. I get it. I was like that not so long ago. I even had a chat with my friends about how much I have changed since our trek down to Cabo a few years ago. When you focus solely on the birds, you miss out on everything else. Before birds, I didn't have that deeper understanding of habitat or that richer understanding of nature.  During birds, I just saw them in nature with a sharper and clearer focus but I missed out on the other things that make travel so much more fun.  After everything, I have learned to balance both birds and friendships together again in a healthier way. 

I see a storm roll in.  Stop. And watch the incredible natural display of Mother Nature. During my guiding trek earlier last month, I had a group that understood how to have fun and bird.  There was one serious birder that stepped away from us, but everyone else enjoyed the amazing trek we took to find their birds. That day into the canyon was so much fun. Again. When you're out with your friend in nature, or wherever, stop and acknowledge the powerful moments you share together because there will never be a day quite like the one you experience in that moment.  Or perhaps it will never happen again. Time is fleeting. 

And now to my point. Last week, I lost my very young godson to cancer. Not so many years ago, my dear friends Heidi and Mauricio had their first boy Clemente.  They were (and continue) to be inquisitive nature lovers. You may recall I went to Wellington, New Zealand a few years back to be with them.  Clemente was just beginning his chemo treatments. I hadn't seen my friends for years and there was a window of opportunity for me to go.  I could finally afford the airfare to get there!  For both my friend Heidi and I, it was a very needed and important life changing trip.  I was at the end of my marriage and Heidi was processing the pain a mother goes through when a child is very sick.  We were powerless to control the changes in our lives. But everyone kept hope.

Then came the news that his cancer had returned this past summer. The treatments this time did not work out. He was only 23 years old and just beginning the adventure of life. I am still processing it all. I watched the funeral via a video link.  I couldn't help but imagine the pain that my friends were going through. For me, it was trying to figure out how I could be present for them when they needed their friends and family around them. I felt anger about my situation and for the first time, anger at the divorce for the financial limitations placed upon me. Aside from this, it has been an adjustment for my friends and family as well as I used to fly all over on short notice. Those times have ended. So I let my anger process and remembered a couple things. One. I got to see him and say good-bye even if it was a few years ago.  It reinforces the need for good-bye and taking the time to absorb those important moments while alive. With Clemente and with my Grandma, I was able to say that good-bye. With my brother Sergio and my Peace Corps bud Sydney, I wasn't able to say good-bye to them but I was able to say good-bye with their families. If the 40's were about living the adventure again, then the 50's are about taking the time to slow down and be PRESENT to acknowledge the importance of NOW.

And secondly.  No one is given the promise to live forever. We are stardust. Some of our lives are short.  Some are long.  But the important part is that we live!  After seeing all the photos of Clemente growing up, I smiled and thought to myself, "In his short life, he saw so much of the world." It's hard to say good-bye, and while death is never easy, it has gotten easier to process now. These moments transform the living forever, a benchmark in life reminding us to love and be present. And to also live. 

I cried for several nights after he passed away.  I was numb emotionally. I was detached at work.  And one day, I just left work early to go with my friend Celeste up the mountain to watch the sunset. We sat drinking wine in the cold. Some people pray.  I find solace in nature. 

My heart is with their family.  Now that everything has calmed down after the funeral, there is the quiet again. There's his bedroom. My mind wanders to their crew.....to my friend's husband who feels deeply.  To Clemente's girlfriend who was there helping him stay positive. I can only imagine what his sister feels. The grandparents, the friends, his church and community......he was surrounded by love. That is everything. And for my friend, she takes the time every week to take a dip into the ocean, a renewal and beginning. It's like a baptism.  A promise that everything happens as it does and we must be present for ourselves and the ones we love. I will never understand what it's like to be a mother who loses her child, but I can imagine. 

In these new chapter of our lives, we must find a way forward and promise ourselves to live. This is where change is difficult. It's doesn't ask that we forget, but instead to remember the words and lives of those who have passed. Change is not overnight and the pain of loss is something that lasts with us for a lifetime. That innocence is lost as we age and evolve in our own lifetimes from the experiences that shape and form us.  It takes time as we process the beginnings of a new chapter while honoring and remembering that which was the past. It informs us and it defines us moving forward. 

In my own life, I am grateful for the second chances given.  I harbor no anger towards my ex as that was part of her journey.  We both got sidetracked. But I think now, our courses have been corrected and we are where we need to be in our lives. There is no need for bad cause. I learned that from my ex mother-in-law.  

It is not easy living in the US right now. For my mental health, I stay away from the negative energy. It's toxic.  And everything is expensive. Living in Mexico is not perfect but it is easier.  A heavy weight lifts each time I cross that border.  

Southeastern Arizona and the state of Sonora are pretty amazing places. I'm glad to live in a community where most people accept love and embrace cultural differences. 

Nature still reigns here, for the moment. 

It's easy to leave my place and find a place to renew that daily dose of nature. And my hope is that people can find those happy spaces to escape wherever they live. In those moments of sadness, which we need to acknowledge, we also need to live. Life is unpredictable and it can be harsh.  But it can also be very beautiful. 

I realized there are some posts that I haven't published from last year's trip to San Blas, Mexico.  So I'll be working on those next. I haven't seen any new lifebirds this year so it may be a first in my nearly 2 decades of birding that I end the year on a zero note. I'm okay with that.  I have some armchair ticks happening this year, but we will all know more in October when ebird updates their system with the new species list.  It's a big one!  Until next time.....LIVE and LOVE!