Lost in Thought

Somewhere. Somehow. We fell apart.  

I felt younger and then around 2016, I aged like 20 years full of anger and rage. And around the time of covid, I felt exhausted. And I changed. So did M. 

When did it go wrong? When did we fall apart? Because we weren't always like this.  Lately, I have realized that I miss birding.  But I need a break from the community. Let me be clear here. I need a break from the community but not my birder friends. I still love birds.  My classroom is where the birding happens these days. But the bigger question to myself is, "Did I use birding as an escape?" 

Or have I just seen everything in this state that I don't need to chase birds anymore? My birding has been greatly downscaled.  I spend a lot of my time in Nogales, Mexico on the weekends. 

Every day Facebook reminds me of the great adventures we used to take over the past 12 years in the birding world.  Each trek and adventure was fresh and exciting.  But with the politics happening again, I have decided to shut Facebook down.  MAGA equates to Nazi for me these days. And Trump, like religion, is a trigger.  Just best to get rid of Facebook until I am ready for the onslaught of news.  Anytime I see someone I know post something pro Trump, I am disappointed. I always wondered how people could allow Hitler into power.  Now I know. He's a terrible human but I understand what people want....cheaper groceries, the ability to buy a house, end to wars, etc etc.  But for me it's all about the environment and quality of human.  Slowly, I will fade from the US into my Mexican life away from this country.

There was a time when M and I would go everywhere and we'd both bird along the way. It was a comfortable life.  As M went into the grad program, we began to drift.  Our days birding/travel together were pretty much over.  However, I kept birding to keep myself busy. 

It was really a subconscious thing.  Birds are amazing and so are most of the people who surround them with their knowledge and love. And the experiences and stories from those treks still linger in my mind.  

Some things I continue.  Like the fund raising event for Tucson Audubon. I will say divorce makes one pause and reevaluate life. I can't just bird whenever I want nor do I even want to bird like I used to....and that's a bit scary. It has been really nice though living a mortal life enjoying the small things again.....which in reflection are pretty big. This summer was the last time I guided for Tucson Audubon for their festival. Hopefully, one day I will feel up to leading groups of birders again, but I think now, I need to focus on me. 

I don't stop looking at birds.  I look all the time.  On a recent hike in Mexico down a trashy dirt hill, I noticed a beautiful male Vermilion Flycatcher.  Then we stood under a tree for shade and discovered a pair of Lucy's Warblers gleaning food from the buds on the branches. This past weekend I watched a huge migration of Chihuahuan Ravens move south over Nogales. Karma has a way of healing people who are open to the experience.  I denied myself from becoming completely Mexican for so many years and now, I feel I am changing.  I don't quite feel American anymore; rather I am a shell of who I was as I wrap up my life and work here in the US. Simply put, many Americans have turned into ugly people towards each other.  I am reminded when I travel that the US is NOT the greatest nation on the planet and that we are certainly not role models for civility these past years.  I miss kindness and laughing with random people.  I am losing my English as my Spanish begins to take over my conversations. When I walk the town of Nogales, Mexico, I am reminded how unique I am in the community. I am one of the rare "gabachos" wandering around with my new love. Wherever we go, we light up a room with laughter.  It doesn't matter who they are or if we even know them because they become part of the great adventure. They will say the most terrible racist things here and speak out of fear to others about how dangerous Mexicans can be.  The truth is that Americans need to take a good look in the mirror.  It's more dangerous here with our own citizens committing crimes.  The other day, I had a police and helicopter chase through my garden for a white drug dealer. I don't care anymore. They can live in their fear. No one place is perfect but I can tell you that the people's kindness and willingness to have a random conversation with a person on the street is quite noticeable.  I saw it in New Zealand, Wales, Mexico, Panama, Cape Verde and Portugal.  I know what's out there.  And humanity, especially having compassion for others, can be better than what America is now.

I'll hear the birds but not look for them.  I know they are there, but I don't need to see them anymore. Just hearing them makes me happy. 

My friendships have come into focus these past few months. And I find myself remembering my younger years of adventure and self discovery again. I have discovered that birding full time kept my mind busy and distracted from the relationship stuff. 

Birding is thrilling and exciting and full of wonder and beauty.  But so is human touch, love and enjoying the presence of another person. 

In some ways, I detached myself from that part of thinking just writing it off as "that's marriage.", not quite understanding that something big was happening between us. Looking back at all the signs, I should have seen it all clearly.  

It's easy to get lost in the birding world. There's so much to occupy the mind! Each species has their own story and "culture".  And some are secretive.  That's the fun challenge.  Like this American Goshawk below. 

Or making eye contact with Whiskered Screech Owls in the dark!

Or spotting art in the making!

Each day and each moment is new and fresh. It's easy to look the other way when there are issues because the whole culture surrounding birding is distracting.  

My friends are getting older.  I am getting older. And as the years of birding have gone on, I have better defined what works for me.  And what doesn't. 

Birding with close friends is great but I also love birding alone and at my speed.  My world opens up to endless possibilities as I explore in my gypsy manner. 

I see things differently now. I remember my adventurous self and yet I'm now tempered by age and experience. Yes, there is currently a lifer Bay-breasted Warbler up in Flagstaff, but I'd rather have coffee with cats at my home and bird locally than waste gas and time for a "chase". 

People come and go in this life.  And that's okay. Sometimes, we go long periods away from not seeing each other only to reconnect stronger later on. Sometimes, you only get that one moment, that one window in time, and then it's too late. It's great to meet people who have been through those same experiences because they understand the sensitive nature with time. 

Each of us is on our own journey.  And understanding that I'm not alone, nor is my story particularly unique, brings me hope. We change.  People change. And it's okay. 

But there are moments.  How did I not see it? Does she miss the time we spent together? Yes, we have moved on but I will never forget the friendship we shared. Hopefully, we never lose that friendship. Right now it's somewhat awkward as we make these life changes, but I think time will smooth things out. I know, for myself, that I will always care about her.  

And just over the hill, I wonder if I will ever reconnect with birding like I did when we were together. 

During my time in Cape Verde, I felt balanced.  But during my time in West Mexico, I felt like I was at work.  For the first time, birding wasn't fun for me.  I felt like I was forcing myself to bird.  I made the commitment to complete the journey.  And I did well.  I just wanted to be home and I felt some resentment that I wasn't there.  Never in my 15 years of official birding have I ever felt that way.  Travel has always been so much fun. 

It didn't help that it was hot and buggy. I should have stayed in Portugal and Cape Verde:)  The weather was perfect there.  However, from this point on, I have decided that I will go winter birding in my summer. 

It's those memories of what was and what is to come that remind me that life is not guaranteed. All we can do is be the best we can every day.  And even that can be a challenge. Some days, it's just hard getting out of bed. I just want to hide inside my house. 

There was a time when we laughed and loved. And played. Those are beautiful moments that I will never forget. We evolve over the years. We also discover the boundaries of what we will, and will not, accept in our own lives. It's time to move forward and let it go. 

Back in Costa Rica, this article was written using my photo shoot of this rare orange male Howler Monkey. The article theorizes about WHY there is a probable and large percent of orange mutations in the Costa Rica/Nicaragua populations.  However, it does not speak about the isolation that these rare colored monkeys experience within their own community of darker Howlers. My point?

But his story is powerful.  Each of us is unique. And because he stood out in the wild, he was often abandoned by his community and labeled dangerous.  Without the help from his community, he was alone and bullied by the others. Several years passed and a female brown Howler found him and thought, "I dig this guy." Thankfully this story had a happy ending. 

It is not impossible or improbable to find that rare special someone, but what bothers me is that I wasn't able to see M as that rare color variant.  We had been married for many years and yet under my own roof, I missed it.  As a teacher, I see everyone for who they are before they even know who they are. That is one of my gifts.  Yet, with the person I married, I didn't see it. 

And I love wildlife. And the stories.  It's what compels me most, I think, to travel and learn as much as I can.  And I love that my work contributes to the data around the planet. The more I've traveled; the more I've found the quiet solitude to reflect on life. It's that time alone now that I mutually crave and hate. But the research compels me to continue. I have so many questions. 

Yet, I feel that I need to spend more time alone.  I'm okay being alone.  I just need the silence to process my thoughts.  Being with someone for 19 years is a long time. Starting over again, while a lot of fun, takes a lot of work. Married couples may complain about the lack of this or that but they forget how nice it is to be with someone who is both lover and friend. It just takes a divorce, disease or death to shake things up.  It's a stark reminder how fragile life really is.  

Celebrate those moments together because a stroke or heart attack can change everything in a blink of an eye. Of my retired friends now who are still living, their advice is retire now.  They wished they had done it sooner. Some only had 10 years left before they passed away.  Some even less than that. 

I wish there wasn't hate. I wish there wasn't suffering. My little nephew below is all grown up now finishing up his high school.  He's a good kid who is "stuck" in an impossible situation. But when I took that pic below, little did any of us know how much would change for his family. Just like that.  A blink of an eye. We did our best to help, but when "we" became divorced, the two of us had to survive and figure out how to operate as one on our own. We were in the same boat. How do you support someone when you can't support yourself?

My home is being redefined. It's empty. Therefore I need to get it organized again.  And redefine this new space.  I have so many ideas.  It's fun watching HGTV again for ideas. Moving furniture is a pain, but it will get done.  I think my frustration came from spending money on birding trips when I could have dedicated that money better to home improvement projects.  SO, that's what I'm doing from this point forward. 

Nazca Boobies, and other rare birds, in other states will have to wait. I must fix the heart of my home and within myself to get back to a new normal because right now, I'm not loving this unbalanced new space. 

I do have much to report but just haven't had the time to share. West Mexican birds, several special Arizona treks and a year's analysis along with splits are upcoming. While it feels like I haven't birded like a crazy man, I have, in fact, done quite a bit of birding this year. 

 For now, I have a house and a life to reclaim. Then I can truly begin again. Until next time.....