Who I Am

When I began writing this blog, I had felt the world around me changing. I think I knew subconsciously that many things were coming to an end as I had known them. I have found that the end to things isn't necessarily bad; it's just often very sad. Over my years of indigenous studies from around the world, I had focused on several writings from the Aboriginal tribes of Australia. During one of my reads, I found something quite fascinating about how they interpret "self" over a lifetime. Their view suggests that we as people change over the course of a lifetime. We all know this in our own way of thinking, but they take it even further and suggest that as we change into something new, we end one self and become another. When it happens, the tribe comes together and celebrates the rebirth of that individual with a new name. It is acknowledged and celebrated. My dear Micheal is now experiencing this same transition in their own life. Thus ending a happy chapter of our lives to begin a new one. I am not angry. Just sad as it is like the death of someone I once knew. And we both understood what it meant for us.   

                                     Black-throated Blue Warbler

In our lifetimes, we celebrate "chapters." and for each person it is different but we all start out with family(Chapter 1). Then it's high school/after high school(Chapter 2-the exploration of making your own path). Chapter 3 for me was the end of my exploration to feel what it was like to own a home and hold a regular job. Chapter 4 was the relationship and marriage. And in that chapter, I began my love of photography and birding. That passion was nurtured by my partner. And then Kathie Brown trained me in the ways of the force. Tens of thousands of experienced hours later, I am who I am because my husband planted that seed. Along the way, we helped each other grow as individuals. We inspired each other to do better. For that I will always be grateful.

Then Chapter 5 began unexpectedly as most Chapter 5's do....with a death or a divorce.  Either way, the end result is the same. The amount of stress and sadness that follows is just....a lot.  For me, the outpouring of love and friendship has been wonderful.  But I'm also one that likes to hide inside his shell to heal and properly reflect. It's an odd time in life. In my reflection, I have found that others are also going through the same things, but they are not as public as others like myself. Sometimes, I feel like a failure.  Other times I feel so happy which then can quickly be replaced with sadness in an almost bipolar fashion.  After the tears disappear, there is this emptiness.  In the end, it was still the right decision for us both.  We remain friends, but our paths will diverge and we will change once again. And I suspect like others who experience divorce, it was something, in hindsight, we should have done a couple years ago. He was in grad school and it wasn't the right time. I like to fix things but this was unfixable. We both knew it, but we were comfortable and happy together. We were more like good roommates instead of spouses. 

                                     Bridled Titmouse

The things that remain constant in my life have become the most important now....my work and birding. In fact, I have found birding to be my great escape from the stress. I began to feel out-of-sync last year at my old job.  It was a powerful feeling and little did I know then, I was already subconsciously beginning to change the course of this next chapter of my life. I began a new job.  And then, there was this unspoken "thing" settling in between me and M. When he finally told me, I didn't know what to say. I made some joke and he had a serious face. Oh oh. Let's adopt another cat!, I said inside my head.  While that did happen, it still didn't change the fact that he was ready to begin her journey. This is who they were. After I let it sink in for a few days, it actually felt like a relief to know what was going on with them. In November, we had that sad discussion about going our separate ways.  We set up our boundaries and it was the longest limbo of our lifetimes as we prepared for our new paths forward. 

As I stood on that hillside with Heidi overlooking Wellington this past summer, I foresaw that our futures were not merging like I had hoped they would. Our professional lives had taken us to very different places. It just took being with my dear friend for that moment of clarity to happen. She didn't know it, but being next to her again, she reminded me of that younger, much more fun me...the college kid who had big dreams. Who still has big dreams. And who wants to share them with someone special.

Without birds in my life, I would be a mess.  They balance me.  They center me.  They connect me to the world. Without my friends in the birding world and outside the birding world, I would be lost. My life will change.  But those 19 years were not lost nor a failure. They were transformative for us both. I have to remind myself of that simple and powerful fact. We made each other better. I just hope the changes don't cause M to forget the endless and repetitive bird lectures in the car between our chases. One of my favorite things that M did was mock me and quote me word for word on what I'd say about each species. That always made me laugh. But seriously I trained a bird guide! Think about it! First transgender bird guide! That would make the news. In all seriousness, I hope that M will share that information with others when it is needed. I talk about birds way too much :)   They're so cool. 

The conversations with those alive and with those who have passed give me the strength to go forward. I specifically remember hanging out with my Grandma after my Grandpa passed a lifetime ago.  What would she do?  During that breakfast, it was just the 2 of us. My Mom had to run errands. She had her cigarette and shared her feelings. Grandma was tearful and understandably said it was hard. She didn't want to be THAT widow in black. Or like those women who walked up and down the swimming pool lanes with their make up and pretty outfits on(today they are known as Botox Barbies who marry rich ugly old men or Stepford Wives).  At the time, she was a little older than I am now. My Grandparent's story should be written some day. It has many parts to it. Some sad and many happy. The latter part of their marriage was a celebration of love and reconciliation. And I was able to witness that in person. On a side note. One day Grandpa told me that we were going to make the best strawberry shortcake for Grandma. And true to his word, we searched for that perfect shortcake. We found it in Mishicot. When Grandpa passed suddenly away, Grandma was alone in that bed where they slept. (and I'd release fireflies from time to time). I'd giggle in the other room after Grandma would say, "That little shit!" late at night! I'd pretend to be sleeping. There's nothing worse than that empty bed. It was her greatest fear in life I think to be alone. That fear became her motivation. And a couple years later, she remarried her high school sweetheart. They lived many happy years together in that last chapter of life. Even after her passing, her example brings me hope that there is always someone out there needing love and to give that love back. We're really not alone in this world if we open ourselves up to the infinite possibilities around us. During my last visit with Grandma and Bob for breakfast, she said good-bye to both me and Micheal for the last time.  She was crying and told us both she loved us very much.  Micheal was the one who said to me, "Honey, I think this is the last time we'll see your Grandma." She knew. And we will always share that memory and many others together. 

Am I ready to date in this new world?  I'd like to think so but it is perilous!  It's like being in the candy store that has quite a bit of rainbow fentanyl mixed in with the Skittles. And in this divorce, there is a clarity, this beautiful clarity of purpose now.  Make these days ahead count.  As a treasured co-worker and friend told me last week, "honor that space between no longer and not yet."  I am taking this time to process.  My space is MY SPACE and I am so grateful to have it. If anything, I know what I DO want the 2nd time around:) Hopefully they like birds and travel. Divorce is yucky.  It can be messy even when it's amicable. We set the boundaries and process the emotions. I begin the last chapter of my life. And he begins hers. And we work through it with kindness and love. 

When I write that my life will be taking some crazy turns over the next several months, I mean it.  I already feel the physical changes happening.  The stress is physically melting off of me.  I'm lighter in spirit and in body. I feel it. There is serenity.  When the beginning posts of this blog came out, it was the start of a new me in every way possible.  Politics vs family vs boundaries, transitioning into a new job after being a founder of a school and letting everything I did go, losing loved ones and now this marriage.  All of these things are central to my core. They're central to most people's core of self. I consider myself Buddhist and believe strongly in karma. And through it all, one thing has remained the same, birds, which are my meditation. Somehow I have been guided to the right people on this journey to process what I need to understand. 

While trying to figure things out in those other quadrants of self, I go birding for my answers. I am most powerful in spirit in the grasslands of southeastern Arizona.  It is where I connect the most with the wilderness around me. It is where the questions I have about any certain topic are answered. 

I look at this all as a beautiful life tapestry.  I can't see how it will all end, but I think life still has many surprises:) Until next time....