In the Gardens of Tizatlan
It's funny how one moment can change the rest of your life forever. As a young man searching for answers, I stumbled upon my calling by accident at an early age. Growing up was hard for me in a small town and I had always dreamed of exploring the great big world. I took a trip to Mexico my senior year of high school and met a group of people who took me in as their unofficial adopted son/brother.
I discovered that I had the ability to learn languages much easier than others. But what I didn't expect was that I would form a friendship with this extended family that would last for decades. And it continues today.
Cinnamon-rumped Seedeater
My second calling happened at 38.....birds. I discovered that linguistics didn't only apply to humans but to almost every creature on this planet. I began to understand birds. As I unraveled their languages, I began to connect at a whole other level that changed the core of who I was. Again.
A sly Blue Mockingbird
The hardest, and yet greatest, part about this journey is the personal growth that has happened within me. I have become a stronger person who knows what he wants and doesn't want in his life.
The journey has not been easy. There are a few places on this planet where I can reboot my emotions and find harmony. One of them is the small little state of Tlaxcala where I began my first journey as a young man. The others are Antigua, Guatemala and Gamboa, Panama. So when I found out my brother Sergio had passed away, it was difficult. I felt my extended family's pain and I wished that I could have been there back in January to mourn his loss.
There is no such thing as a perfect family. And there is no denying the love that bonds us all deeply together. This trip home to Tlaxcala was to figure out things. One was to say good-bye to my brother Sergio. I couldn't move forward in my own life. The first day back, I sat down with Delfina and we spoke the entire day into night.
I needed to see Delfina, my other mom. She was and has been in pain with the loss of her son Sergio. We have spent decades together through marriages, baptisms and lots of birthday parties.
In this past life of my youth, Sergio taught me to push myself further, even when I was uncomfortable. Sometimes he exhausted me with his endless energy, and I was always grateful to him for it. We were all young back then. He died at 54 which is way too young now!
A day for celebration as Delfina prepares the most delicious mole
Telling Sergio's kids how much their father meant to me was so hard. I didn't realize how much emotion I had pent up inside and it was a like a dam bursting. I couldn't stop crying and his kids hugged me. I couldn't let them go. Could they understand the sadness inside of our hearts at such a young age? All I could think of was that I wasn't there to help out. I wished I was retired. No job is that important. To be with the people who matter is everything. There are times I wish I could clone myself and be everywhere.
I birded. But it wasn't about birding as it was just about connecting with nature to balance the intense sadness I felt. That we felt. He was their fierce protector even if he growled a lot at everyone:) That was Sergio.
Watching the family dynamics change with his loss was not easy. I could feel it and see it in their faces. The family was no longer whole and each clung to one another afraid to let go. Every day I was home, we spent it together. The days flew by quickly and I couldn't tell you what we all did, but we did it together. Sometimes I feel like a failure, wishing I could give more than I can. I wasn't there when Sydney passed. And I wasn't there for Sergio and my family. As I understand it from older friends, this happens to everyone and it's normal to feel that way. So I treat each moment now as the last.
Central Mexican Song Sparrow
In one of the darkest times of my life, this lady below took me in and saved me from myself. For that I will always be grateful. They were the family that taught me how to speak and how to speak up for myself. The message has always been about love. There was no judgement. We respected each other's thinking and we loved unconditionally.
These past years have been some of the most difficult in my life. Loss has changed me. It has made me more aware of my own mortality. These years have not been kind. Key figures like Sydney, my Peace Corps roomie, taught me that failure was okay. She taught me that life is an endless stream of colorful possibilities. If something doesn't work, don't force it. Move on! When the principal of the school that we all opened up together passed away this year, I was reminded not to take work relationships for granted. Then Sergio passed. All mentors and friends at the same time. For them, I am grateful. And I am grateful for those who are still alive and like others who have lost loved ones, I don't want to let them go ever. At some point we all have to let go. It just makes the now even more important. When I bird, it's more than just the birds. There are truths and hidden meanings in those walks.
Rufous-backed Robin
Some birding trips are just birding trips. Some connect us to deeper truths. And some are spiritual journeys. I began my first steps in Mexico. And I believe my last days should be spent there. It's where I am spiritually alive.
To Sergio, to Sydney, to Debra, to Sam, to my Grandparents and to Kathy.....and to so many others, you are with me wherever I am. Thank you for your friendship, teachings and love.
Beautiful, the birds and the family, lovely.
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