The Phoenix
To say that these past 4 months have been challenging is an understatement. Saving grace? Wonderful friends, house projects, birds, a great job and a sense of direction.
I love art and I love design. The bathroom project was a fun one to put together. I'm still not finished, but I will be wrapping up the sink area by the end of the year. The problem? The delays and cancellations of 2020 are now knocking at my door. Our bodies and minds have gotten flabby over this past year.
The time I had to think and slowly create is over. Now it's almost back to business. Life is about to begin again. And that includes all the things we avoided while using covid as a cover up. Yes, covid did prevent a lot from happening, but it was also a pretty convenient excuse to use for NOT wanting to do something as well. One could avoid the issue by simply stating, "I can't. Covid."
The joys of birding have allowed us to again go out and find birds together. I met a young birder and his mother several weeks ago. Together we searched and studied vireos. He began birding because of the pandemic. He's now hooked. And maybe his parents are as well.
I have been dealing with inner demons though. The pandemic and past 4 years have put me in a huge funk. It has taken its toll on me. Never again will I allow myself in this toxic mess. Warning! This next part takes a turn in tone. This will be the only post I write on this matter.
I hated the idea of going to Texas back in February even if it was to Austin or San Antonio. Gordon kept my anger at bay and helped me focus on the birds. How do you forgive someone who was responsible for raping wild stretches of our beautiful desert landscape? In January, I stood on a high overlook which was once a pristine wilderness known as the Atascosa Highlands with friends.
There we stood quietly and saw the unnatural marks of a human made wall cutting across mountain tops along our US and Mexico border. Instead of keeping people out, it created an easier entrance into the state with the dirt roads that were created to put up that stupid wall. In Texas we observed the same thing. Everyone along the border has fought to protect those wild lands and the very unique wildlife that lives in these areas. But the damage has been done.
It is now almost 5 months into this year. I couldn't write. I didn't have it in me. I wanted to sit down and share the wonders I had been seeing with others. But I didn't have it in me to write. I felt dead inside. I researched on how to deal with this anger. The birding takes some of the edge away but my anger still flashes to the forefront of my mind when I hear the continued stupidity from those who continue to lie. It's toxic. The fights and discussions are ugly, especially coming from people I thought I knew.
I researched about the rifts happening throughout the US with texts and articles and videos. How does one resolve the anger from these past 4 years? It's worse now than it was before the election. My only answer now is that I have to put boundaries up and protect myself. It's amazing with how just the wrong thing said will cause this uncontrolled rage to burst out. The best way I know how to deal with this is to cut those people who think this way out of my life. I won't lie. It has been sad. If you have felt this way, you are not alone. It's happening all over.
Life has to continue. What has happened, cannot be forgotten or ignored. The fight is far from over. So now I try to heal my body and funnel that anger with exercise and proper diet. I put on waaaaay too much weight from the stress. In 3 months, I will be back to my old self. And with that comes the knowledge about how I will tackle future problems. Now, like I have done with the negativity from those at work or in my social circles, I will walk away from them. It's much easier said than done especially when it's people who are close to you.
Life has to move forward. We must improve. We must try to be better. And if we can't fix it, we need to move on. We need to take care of ourselves.
There is no more time to linger. After a year lost to this pandemic, there is much catching up to do. I'm only 1,100 birds into the 10,000 game. And it's taking me further and further away from what is known. After seeing people die from not only covid but other health issues this past year, I am reminded of my own mortality. And the work that needs to happen. There is no more waiting around anymore.
I won't be dragged again into negativity or discussion of politics and religion. This doesn't happen in our own home, why should I allow it to happen in my own space? So now I create my own space. Separate and away from it. If I don't like it, I can just leave. The person I was long ago is dead.
So as I sat watching my Great Horned Owl's nest. Or the pronghorn wander the grasslands. Or walk with the bobcats. I thought about the simplicity and truths of it all. It shouldn't be so complicated, but it is. To have so much anger and hatred is to become like those who are negative all the time. It's no different. Friends would tell me I'm justified. Others said they were in the same predicament. Others said they just cut everyone off.
Imagine going forward with all the unresolved anger. We have fought tooth and nail these past 4 years to protect our wild spaces here in AZ along with our education woes, border issues and so much more. It's hard not to be angry. These things matter. Never in my life as a teacher did I think I would have to strike to save the public education system. (It's still not great.) Never did I imagine someone would blow holes in mountains to put up a stupid wall in the middle of a harsh and dramatic landscape. (Environmental damage done) It's why Arizona said enough was enough. We were affected by it all.
Perhaps time will heal but it won't erase the line we've all crossed. We've said our peace. The question is, can we move forward? I'm too tired to fight anymore. It's just easier to walk away from it.
It has taken me years to get to this point in my life. When I found travel and birds, my true life journey began and there's no going back. I am married to a wonderful person and we are on the same page. In the next several months, I will take you all to places sacred and whole. This year will be full of surprises and it kicks off next month. They are personal stories that will be about the people, habitats and of course, the birds. If anything, I feel like a new person. I cut the anchors and I'm moving full speed ahead.
Until next time......
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